I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
