He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
