Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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