I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
cat food counts as protein by the way
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
