I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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