Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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