I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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