my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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