I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
