We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
