What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
