rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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