Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize