and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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