I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
