GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
