I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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