I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
