I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
