i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
