he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
