WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
