You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize