does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
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