I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
