The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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