I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
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