I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
