You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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