Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
