I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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