apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
