oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
