In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I could make wine with my vomit
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Randomize
