never play flip cup with pint glasses
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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