I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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