I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
