I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
