I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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