May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
