If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
