Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
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