i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
