I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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