Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
