I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
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