Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Randomize
