I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize