dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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