i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
