My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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