bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Randomize
