i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
