You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Sorry my hands just texted you
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize