It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
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