After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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