sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
That was an excessively violent trivia night
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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