he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
