Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
