i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Randomize
