This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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